I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when
he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone
 who is sitting on the toilet.

I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in
the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose
up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I
hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over
the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's
laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher
or trashcan.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the
"perfect" place to poop.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while
Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.